Toxic
people defy logic. Some are blissfully unaware of the negative impact
that they have on those around them, and others seem to derive
satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other people’s buttons.
Either way, they create unnecessary complexity, strife, and, worst of
all, stress.
Studies
have long shown that stress can have a lasting, negative impact on the
brain. Exposure to even a few days of stress compromises the
effectiveness of neurons in the hippocampus—an important brain area
responsible for reasoning and memory. Weeks of stress cause reversible
damage to neuronal dendrites (the small “arms” that brain cells use to
communicate with each other), and months of stress can permanently
destroy neurons. Stress is a formidable threat to your success—when
stress gets out of control, your brain and your performance suffer.
Most
sources of stress at work are easy to identify. If your nonprofit is
working to land a grant that your organization needs to function, you’re
bound to feel stress and likely know how to manage it. It’s the
unexpected sources of stress, those that take you by surprise, that harm
you the most.
Recent
research from the Department of Biological and Clinical Psychology at
Friedrich Schiller University in Germany found that exposure to stimuli
that cause strong negative emotions—the same kind of exposure you get
when dealing with toxic people—caused subjects’ brains to have a massive
stress response. Whether it’s their negativity, cruelty, the victim
syndrome, or just plain craziness, toxic people drive your brain into a
stressed-out state that should be avoided at all costs.
The
ability to manage your emotions and remain calm under pressure has a
direct link to your performance. Talent Smart has conducted research
with more than a million people, and they've found that 90% of top
performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress in
order to remain calm and in control. One of their greatest gifts is the
ability to neutralize toxic people. Top performers have well-honed
coping strategies that they employ to keep toxic people at bay.
To
deal with toxic people effectively, you need an approach that enables
you, across the board, to control what you can and eliminate what you
can’t. The important thing to remember is that you are in control of far
more than you realize.
While
I've run across numerous effective strategies that successful people
employ when dealing with toxic people, what follows are 12 of the best.
1. They Set Limits (Especially With Complainers)
Complainers and
negative people are bad news because they wallow in their problems and
fail to focus on solutions. They want people to join their pity party so
that they can feel better about themselves. People often feel pressure
to listen to complainers because they don’t want to be seen as callous
or rude, but there’s a fine line between lending a sympathetic ear and
getting sucked into a negative emotional spiral.
You
can avoid this only by setting limits and distancing yourself when
necessary. Think of it this way: If the complainer were smoking, would
you sit there all afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke? You’d
distance yourself, and you should do the same with complainers. A great
way to set limits is to ask complainers how they intend to fix the
problem. They will either quiet down or redirect the conversation in a
productive direction.
2. They Don’t Die in the Fight
Successful
people know how important it is to live to fight another day,
especially when your foe is a toxic individual. In conflict, unchecked
emotion makes you dig your heels in and fight the kind of battle that
can leave you severely damaged. When you read and respond to your
emotions, you’re able to choose your battles wisely and stand your
ground only when the time is right.
3. They Rise Above
Toxic
people drive you crazy because their behavior is so irrational. Make no
mistake about it—their behavior truly goes against reason. So why do
you allow yourself to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into
the mix?
The
more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier it should be for
you to remove yourself from his or her traps. Quit trying to beat toxic
people at their own game. Distance yourself from them emotionally and
interact with them as if they were a science project (or you were their
shrink, if you prefer the analogy). You don’t need to respond to the
emotional chaos, but only to the facts.
4. They Stay Aware of Their Emotions
Maintaining
an emotional distance requires awareness. You can’t stop someone from
pushing your buttons if you don’t recognize when it’s happening.
Sometimes you’ll find yourself in situations where you’ll need to
regroup and choose the best way forward. This is fine and you shouldn't
be afraid to buy yourself some time to do so.
Think
of it this way: If a mentally unstable person approaches you on the
street and tells you he’s John F. Kennedy, you’re unlikely to set him
straight. When you find yourself with a co-worker who is engaged in
similarly derailed thinking, sometimes it’s best to just smile and nod.
If you’re going to have to straighten him out, it’s better to give
yourself some time to plan the best way to go about it.
5. They Establish Boundaries
This
is the area where most people tend to sell themselves short. They feel
like because they work or live with someone, they have no way to control
the chaos. This couldn't be further from the truth. Once you've found
your way to rise above a person, you’ll begin to find his or her
behavior more predictable and easier to understand. This will equip you
to think rationally about when and where you have to put up with toxic
people and when you don’t. For example, even if you work with someone
closely on a project team, that doesn't mean that you need to have the
same level of one-on-one interaction with this person that you have with
other team members.
You
can establish a boundary, but you’ll have to do so consciously and
proactively. If you let things happen naturally, you are bound to find
yourself constantly embroiled in difficult conversations. If you set
boundaries and decide when and where you’ll engage a difficult person,
you can control much of the chaos. The only trick is to stick to your
guns and keep boundaries in place when the person tries to encroach upon
them, which will inevitably happen.
6. They Won’t Let Anyone Limit Their Joy
When
your sense of pleasure and satisfaction are derived from the opinions
of other people, you are no longer the master of your own happiness.
When emotionally intelligent people feel good about something that
they've done, they won’t let anyone’s opinions or snide remarks take
that away from them.
While
it’s impossible to turn off your reactions to what others think of you,
you don’t have to compare yourself to others, and you can always take
people’s opinions with a grain of salt. That way, no matter what toxic
people are thinking or doing, your self-worth comes from within.
Regardless of what people think of you at any particular moment, one
thing is certain—you’re never as good or as bad as they say you are.
7. They Don’t Focus on Problems—Only Solutions
Where
you focus your attention determines your emotional state. When you
fixate on the problems you’re facing, you create and prolong negative
emotions and stress. When you focus on actions to better yourself and
your circumstances, you create a sense of personal efficacy that
produces positive emotions and reduces stress.
When
it comes to toxic people, fixating on how crazy and difficult they are
gives them power over you. Quit thinking about how troubling your
difficult person is, and focus instead on how you’re going to go about
handling him. This makes you more effective by putting you in control,
and it will reduce the amount of stress you experience when interacting
with him.
8. They Don’t Forget
Emotionally
intelligent people are quick to forgive, but that doesn't mean they
forget. Forgiveness requires letting go of what’s happened so that you
can move on. It doesn't mean you’ll give a wrongdoer another chance.
Successful people are unwilling to be bogged down unnecessarily by
others’ mistakes, so they let them go quickly and are assertive in
protecting themselves from future harm.
9. They Squash Negative Self-talk
Sometimes
you absorb the negativity of other people. There’s nothing wrong with
feeling bad about how someone is treating you, but your self-talk (the
thoughts you have about your feelings) can either intensify the
negativity or help you move past it. Negative self-talk is unrealistic,
unnecessary, and self-defeating. It sends you into a downward emotional
spiral that is difficult to pull out of. You should avoid negative
self-talk at all costs.
10. They Limit Their Caffeine Intake
Drinking
caffeine triggers the release of adrenaline. Adrenaline is the source
of the fight-or-flight response, a survival mechanism that forces you to
stand up and fight or run for the hills when faced with a threat. The
fight-or-flight mechanism sidesteps rational thinking in favor of a
faster response. This is great when a bear is chasing you, but not so
great when you’re surprised in the hallway by an angry co-worker.
11. They Get Some Sleep
I’ve
beaten this one to death over the years and can’t say enough about the
importance of sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and
managing your stress levels. When you sleep, your brain literally
recharges, shuffling through the day’s memories and storing or
discarding them (which causes dreams), so that you wake up alert and
clear-headed. Your self-control, attention, and memory are all reduced
when you don’t get enough—or the right kind—of sleep. Sleep deprivation
raises stress hormone levels on its own, even without stressors
present.
A
good night’s sleep makes you more positive, creative, and proactive in
your approach to toxic people, giving you the perspective you need to
deal effectively with them.
12. They Use Their Support System
It’s
tempting, yet entirely ineffective, to attempt tackling everything by
yourself. To deal with toxic people, you need to recognize the
weaknesses in your approach
to them. This means tapping into your support system to gain
perspective on a challenging person. We all have someone at work and/or
outside work who is on our team, rooting for us, and ready to help us
make the best of a difficult situation. Identify these individuals in
your life and make an effort to seek their insight and assistance when
you need it. Something as simple as explaining the situation can lead to
a new perspective. Most of the time, other people can see a solution
that you can’t, because they are not as emotionally invested in the
situation.
Bringing it All Together
Before
you get this system to work brilliantly, you’re going to have to pass
some tests. Most of the time, you will find yourself tested by touchy
interactions with problem people. Thankfully, the plasticity of the
brain allows it to mold and change as you practice new behaviors, even
when you fail. Implementing these healthy, stress-relieving techniques
for dealing with difficult people will train your brain to handle stress
more effectively and decrease the likelihood of ill effects.
Pat Savage
